When Love Feels Complicated: Complex Trauma and Attachment

Written by: Sharhonda Webster, MA, LPC | Founder of Redemptive Pathways

You meet someone new, the spark is there, and for a moment it feels like you’ve finally found the safety and closeness you’ve been longing for. But then—almost without warning—anxiety creeps in. Maybe you start overanalyzing every word, worrying they’ll leave, or you pull away before they get too close. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These patterns don’t come from nowhere—they’re often the hidden imprint of complex trauma shaping your attachment style and the way you experience love.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are the emotional blueprints we form early in life about how to connect, trust, and love. These patterns quietly shape the way we show up in adult relationships—often in ways we don’t fully recognize.

They generally fall into four categories:

1)   Secure Attachment: Comfortable with closeness, trust, and interdependence.

Root Causes:

·   Consistent, reliable caregiving in childhood.

·   Emotional needs were noticed and met (comfort when distressed, encouragement when exploring).

·   Experiences of safety, stability, and trust in primary relationships.

2)    Anxious Attachment: Constantly worrying about being “too much” or “not enough,” craving closeness yet fearing abandonment, and needing frequent reassurance.

Root Causes:

·   Inconsistent caregiving—sometimes attentive, other times distracted or unavailable.

·   Love or attention felt unpredictable, leading to fear of abandonment.

·   Caregivers may have used guilt, withdrawal, or conditional love to control behavior.

3)   Avoidant Attachment: Guarding your heart, prioritizing independence, and struggling to open up.

Root Causes:

·   Caregivers who were emotionally distant, dismissive, or discouraged expression of needs.

·   Childhood experiences of being told to “be independent” or “stop being needy.”

·   Emotional or physical neglect, where reaching out for closeness was met with rejection.

4)   Disorganized Attachment: A push-pull dynamic—longing for closeness but fearing it at the same time.

Root Causes:

·   Early environments marked by fear, chaos, or trauma (abuse, domestic violence, substance use, severe neglect).

·   Caregivers who were both a source of comfort and fear (e.g., abusive yet relied on for survival).

·   Repeated exposure to unsafe or unpredictable situations, leaving the child torn between approach and avoidance.

When love feels complicated, it’s often because your attachment style was shaped by these early experiences—especially when they were marked by inconsistency, neglect, or trauma.

How Complex Trauma Shapes Attachment

Complex trauma isn’t just one painful event—it’s the repeated experience of stress, neglect, or instability over time. Growing up in an environment where love felt unpredictable or unsafe rewires the nervous system to expect danger instead of stability, ultimately shaping the way we understand love. Instead of learning that people are safe havens, many come to associate love with danger, inconsistency, or rejection.

In adulthood, this can look like:

·         Constantly scanning for signs that someone might leave.

·         Feeling drawn to emotionally unavailable partners.

·         Avoiding intimacy even while longing for deep connection.

·         Repeating toxic relationship cycles because they feel “familiar.”

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep ending up in the same kind of relationship?”—this is often the reason. What feels like “just the way I am” is usually a survival strategy learned long ago.

Healing Attachment Wounds

The good news? Attachment styles aren’t life sentences. With awareness, therapy, and safe relationships, it is possible to shift toward secure attachment.

Healing often looks like:

• Naming Your Patterns: Recognizing how trauma shows up in your relationships.

• Regulating Emotions: Learning to calm anxiety, fear, or avoidance when triggered.

• Practicing Vulnerability: Taking small, safe steps toward openness and trust.

• Building Healthy Connections: Surrounding yourself with people who are consistent, safe, and model healthy love.  

• Seeking Therapy: Exploring your story with a trauma-informed therapist who can help you rewrite old relational blueprints.

How Redemptive Pathways Can Help

At Redemptive Pathways, we know that trauma doesn’t just live in memories—it lives in the way you connect, trust, and love. That’s why our approach is both trauma-informed and relational.

Here’s how we can help:

·         Identify Your Attachment Style: Together, we’ll uncover the patterns shaping your relationships and where they came from.

·         Build Safety and Trust: Therapy becomes a safe space to explore vulnerability without judgment.

·         Develop New Relational Blueprints: With tools like CBT, Family Systems, and faith integration, we work toward healthier ways of relating—grounded in security and mutual respect.

·         Support Your Healing Journey: Whether your struggle is anxiety, avoidance, or a push-pull pattern, you’ll find guidance that honors both your pain and your potential.

A Word of Hope

Complex trauma may have shaped your attachment style, but it does not define your future. With the right support, it’s possible to move from fear to freedom, from self-protection to true connection.

At Redemptive Pathways, we believe healing is not only possible—it’s your birthright. You were created for love that is safe, secure, and lasting.

Take the first step toward rewriting your story and discover what secure love can feel like. 🌿 Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation today.

📍 Redemptive Pathways, PLLC

🌐 Website: www.redemptivepathways.org

📧 Email: redemptivepathwayspllc@gmail.com

📞 Phone: (979) 347-0678